Music - and my mind.
Yesterday mood changed in less than an hour.
Morning mood: Tired but my mind felt healthy, and not that unwell.
My day was:
Get myself and my little one up, dressed, have breakfast and pack for the day. Then out to the car to go to see my Mum. She is an hour away.
On the way to see my Mum, on a big highway/motorway junction, just on the slip road joining another motor way, my front left tyre burst.
I had to pull over and call for rescue. 45 minutes of waiting on the side of the road. With a little 2 year old, both of us out of the car, 'cuz apparently its safest! Lorries hurtled past, there were trains going across a near by bridge. potentially dangerous but there was a lot for him to see and spot.
Fortunately for me there were some small steps leading to some sort of electricity box where we sheltered and tried to find leaves and sticks. My little boy kept asking to go home! But we waited for the man with a van with flashing lights to come. He fixed our car nice and quickly thank goodness, so we could get on our way!
Believe it or not that was fine, tricky, but I dealt with it. my mind still felt healthy. in fact I felt empowered! A rare feeling! I wouldn't want a burst tyre again but it was good to get through that and be ok.
I had a nice day with my mum, stayed until about 7 o'clock, then drove home.
The drive home:
I left at 7pm so mister man could fall asleep on the way home and then just be transferred to his cot.
He did, he slept. But that meant that I had my mind all to myself.
JUST MY HEAD AND THE CAR.
Driving in the rain on the motorway (at night basically 'cuz of how dark it was!!)
AH! stupidity.
Don't think of problems. I did. I thought of them. Lots of problems. No. - stop it! Ok, look at lights and state the colours. Come on brain-train your self, be calm.
I have a new look on things... I noticed the change. I felt the triggers of my mind, of my thinking. I began worrying over things that I had no power to change whilst driving. I could feel the wires in my brain being pulled out and plugged back in in the wrong places. I felt the cogs falling out and getting stuck and wedged.
Was it all the day catching up on me? My mum is not 100% well, I can't fix her. Was that it? The car tyre blowing, was that it? A long day, was it tiredness? I'm not 100% happy with the nursery my son is at can I change it will they let me?
All I know is that I drove home to my husband and arrived in a bad state. my mental mind kaput. Again.
I could let him know it was the drive home. I had a go at him but I also told him its not him.
Evening mood: very unhealthy. Not good, in a downward spiral of feeling useless, upset and angry.
He has to put up with me but my mind is broken for a bit again. Hopefully not for long.
My lovely other half (whose understanding has improved in the recent days/weeks as we have talked about it more) ran me a bath, got me some chocolatey malt drink and helped with the transfer of the little mister man.
I felt so angry and annoyed and sad and frustrated all at the same time. I wanted to collapse and hit something at the same time.
I didnt, so just stayed totally mad in my head instead. :(
Out of the bath and to bed.
No change, maybe very slightly less angry but still extremely frustrated and so very sad.
Sleep. That might help.
Bad night. From 11pm until 5:30am our toddler woke 7/8 times. My other half got up for me the first few times and helped but the more he woke the worse it got. I couldn't handle listening to the screaming and to the sounds of choking as my little boy couldn't control his breathing as he got himself so worked up.
I cried too.
Finally little one asleep in his cot. My husband learnt something there and then, so he told me. Back in our room he said he thought it didn't matter who settled him that our baby would cry and act the same no matter whether it was Daddy or Mummy helping him. However, just there and then - when I went in to hold our 2 year old baby, in that instant milli-second, he stopped the crazy uncontrollable-panicked-night-terror-crying and snuggled in close to me go to sleep. It was a connection, a bond that unfortunately only I have it. Its a miracle but I wish Daddy could have it too.
I am so grateful, glad and proud and blessed to have it. I wouldn't exchange it for the world.
But my goodness I'm exhausted.
Today I have been less mad but my mind is still poorly. I can feel it I.m not how I was before I left to go see my mum.
How long will I be broken for this time?-
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I am listening to music... thank you Spotify. Its helping.
So is writing this.
You can read it if you like or share it, or not. I just want everyone who suffers from feeling a bit mad to know they are not alone.
Im on the road to finding help or just a small piece of joy in life.
Today its music. I am listening to the 'focus' play list in the browse section of Spotify.
Thank you for reading this and another nights sleep won't hurt.
(Aside from the falling to sleep part-but thats for another time...)
You can get spottily here hopefully:
Spotify
Let me know what you think.
Does this help?
Are there more than just me out there?
What helps you?
Would love to hear back from you.
x
